Pumpkin Abuse Division
Guns don't kill people. People kill people. Wise words. But what about Pumpkins? If a Pumpkin falls in the forest, does it make a sound? I decided to find out...
Armed with a bunch of cut price, post-halloween pumpkins and more hardware than the armies in some of the countries i've visited. Joe and Bill picked me up at 7.30 and we drove for half an hour or so into the Everglades. And into The Picayune State Forest.
After driving along a bumpy dirt track for another 15 minutes or so, we turned a corner behind a huge pile of rubble and parked up.
Joe and Bill are both gun owners. They've had guns all their lives. They told me about how when they were at school, kids went hunting as soon as the bell rang at the end of the day. Before that, at lunch times they went out to the car park (where the guns were hanging in the back of the truck) and compared barrels, ammo, techniques etc. The idea of a scenario like Columbine was unthinkable. It just didn't happen.
Anyway they were both into gun safety in a big way.
As such, they know that an inaccurate gun is an unsafe gun, so they got me to go and hold up a pumpkin while they lined up the sights (it turned out they were shooting high). It was part initiation, part practical, so when they were happy, they said I could come back.
Then it was my go :)
They let me play with a Franchi SPAS 12. (Think Arnie... Sorry, the Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger in 'The Terminator.')
Type: selective pump-action or gas-operated
Gauge: 12
Chamber: 2 3/4" (70 mm)
Length: 1041 mm
Barrel length: 546 mm.
Weight 4.4 kg
Capacity: 8 rounds in underbarrel tube magazine
Check out the curved butt-hook that allows one armed firing! Also, being semi-automatic, you can (well I did) pop off shells as fast as you can pull the trigger.
This is the effect on a pumpkin from about 5 meters. (The larger holes are from one of the rifles - characterised by their small entry and large exit holes)
***
I'd forgotten how loud guns are. Bill lent me some ear plugs meaning I kept going 'WHAT? WHO?' everytime they said 'Ready? I'm taking the picture.'
This is a Browning 9mm (Think Arnie in T2), this was loud, but was nothing compared to the .357 Magnum (still my favourite handgun) which Bill and Joe both had.
Hasta la Vista, Pumpkin.
***
Bill had a black powder gun back from the days of the civil war. There was an intricate loading process involving filling the chamber with the powder, loading the spherical projectile, greasing the chamber to avoid a spark setting them all off, then loading the percussion caps to start the ball rolling... as it were.
They made a great 'crackPOW!' sound as the cap ignited the powder and set off a huge plume of smoke.
He had some trouble with it that day and it kept misfiring unfortunately so I didn't get to have a go. Though there was one point where the ball mis-fired about 2 or 3 meters. Where it spun as it left the barrel, it dragged spiraling smoke behind it like the Rail Gun in 'Eraser' with Gov. Schwarzenegger.
***
Then it was back to some more pumpkin punishing.
I popped a cap in his ass when I used a single, large slug from the SPAS 12. The round passed straight through, cracking the pumpkin between the entry and exit points.
Joe then blasted it with a standard shot cartridge. Check out the pumpkin flying off screen! It actually blasted in all directions - kneeling where I was, both me and the camera were covered in pumpkin guts!
***
Then it was time to play with the assault rifles. They both had Chinese SKS Simonov copies (a more accurate fore runner to the mass produced AK-47.) Joe's had the graphite black finish with scope and laser sight, whereas Bill's had the wood finish. Both had 30 round clips (instead of the old top-loading 10-clip) and fittings for a bayonet. Though even we weren't silly enough to go around bayoneting pumpkins.
Which is lucky as its technically illegal over here. A representative from the Homeland Security PAD (Pumpkin Abuse Division) which is like our RSPCP, turned up and warned us. He popped his head out after getting a phone call, we assumed from a Publix (like Tescos) employee that someone Un-American had been bulk buying the old fruit. Possibly for use in some terrorist or WMD activity.
We soon saw him off though when he started questioning our story that the pumpkins were like it when we got there.
Upon investigation, it turned out one of the pumpkins had a cell phone and had called for backup from PAD when he saw the guns in the truck.
I tried to calm Joe down but he was too pissed off. He had a crazy look in his eyes and, deep down I knew he was right. This was war.
He executed the cocky little orange fruit there and then.
***
We also did some .22 target shooting, hitting cans and sending them spinning up and down. Bill had a tiny three pronged target we set up and sniped. Then I found a coconut and we started taking pot shots at that.
Coconuts are enviably tough. When it got hit it caused a small entry hole, as if by a nail, and a bit of a messy hole in the hair at the back. Even the .357 couldn't crack it, so for the last shot of the day, Joe let me use his final SPAS slug.
Now if you've read about my experiences with coconuts while I've been away, you'll realise how much I enjoyed the sweet smelling coup de grāce. From such a short distance I couldn't miss, and the coconut had no chance. As it lifted off from the top of the chair, partially shattering, though still staying in roughly three spinning chunks. I caught the sweet aroma of the white fruit inside. I found two of the bigger chunks about 5 meters apart, but I have no idea where the rest of it went.