The Fall and Rise of Matthew Kingsnorth
In hindsight, I had it coming. I'm a genini, I have to have at least three plans on the go at one time. At school I planned for college and did what it took to get in. At college I made plans for work. When I got the job at Merlin in the BBC Control Room I stayed on to get my HND at college, when I left college, I thought what next? I don't want to just do 'work', that's boring.
So I started planning my round the world trip. It took a while to get everything to a level I was happy with, but when I was, that was it. I'm off. I made a notional attempt at a career-break but I think it was evident I didn't really want one. Did I want my return to the job hanging over my travelling?!? Shit no. Besides, hey, big sweeping gestures eh?
What will you do when you get back? "Phht, I dunno. I'll find something."
Being truthful, I didn't want to think about what I'd do, all I wanted to think about was living for the moment. Being in the now. So thats what I did. 10 and a half months of hedonism. In the words of The Dude from the Big Lebowski; "Fuckin' ey maan!"
Then one day it was all over. It started with a film. Two films actually, the first Donnie Darko, is about a guy who falls into a parallel universe, lives a hyper real life, then comes back to his own universe and is crushed metaphorically and physically by a Boeing jet engine upon his triumphant return.
The second, 'Lost in Translation' is a quiet film in which, the two main American characters set adrift in Tokyo find companionship on a level neither of them thought possible. As a setting, it reminded me of when I was so optimistic at the start of my travels. As a film, it summed up the beautiful backpacking life of perpetually meeting and saying goodbye to new and amazing friends.
I compared that feeling to normality. For example, this is the buidling where the cinema is. Its the beautifully designd 'The Brewery' shopping complex in Romford. I think it takes it's complex avant guarde design from historical East London structures such as the corrugated iron 'Anderson' Shelter's of WWII and from 'The Greenhouse.' ...Stunning
Then there's the ancient historical Romford market where you can buy all manner of Dolce and Gibbuna, Kalvin Clean and Ralph Lorenzo top quality merchandise.
Ahh, The Dolphin, this striking building has been out of action now for around 10 years and is soon to be demolished to make way for an Asda superstore and residential flats. Though thankfully, the shocking pink wooden fence certainly turns the area from an eye-sore to a picture postcard!
The we have the third corner of the market-dolphin triangle, the pseudo-retro, 60's throwback 'Romford Library'. The building is only a year old and that isn't grime on it of course, it's weathering by uber-chic Italian artist 'Michaelangelo Donatello' who was inspired by his master Splinter's home in New York.
Roll over New York and San Francisco, This is my Skyline!
One of the many safe passageways between Romford and the Hospital, a popular route on a Saturday night!
After about a week at Richer Sounds, Ian said "This Rota you've got Saturday off. Its probably worth enjoying it as you'll be working the rest probably!" "No Problem" I said and I meant it. I chose this job as it was 3 minutes down the road and thus there was no hassle like that of going into London.
Friday night I saw Lost in Translation. It reminded me of how my life was most of last year. I came out of the cinema feeling down as I really started to compare the beauty of life then, to the normality of life now.
When I woke up that Saturday morning I felt awful. All I could see was everything I did last year behind me and a constant stream of Saturdays at Richer Sounds in front of me...
What have I done?
I layed there for hours. What am I doing? Whats the point in carrying on? When am I ever going to have another year like that? Skydiving, Bunjy Jumping, Scuba Diving, Snorkling in crystal clear blue waters with Snakes, Sharks, beautiful tropical fish, wild coral, meeting beautiful people (whether attractive or not), sleeping under the stars, riding up glaciers in helicopers, snowboarding, women, wine and song... I thought about that moment under canopy in Florida where I was looking down at the flying birds beneath me, how could I ever feel that again? I can't. Theres no way. No Money. No decent job. No hope.
My brain started to try and make plans, 'Get a job, a good career job in London, earn lots of money.' Can't. By the time i've earnt enough I'll be at an age where I should think about houses and stuff. Even then I'll come back and be in this postition.
Even if I go now and try to get a job with a 1 year work visa in oz, it'll be different. And different in a bad way, i'll be scraping a living rather than saving to move on. 'So say OK, fun over, lets get serious and get a flat, mortgage etc over here' But theres still so much I haven't seen? I can't settle down yet?
I spent most of the morning on the border of crying, I was literally choking back the tears. Imagine a life of Saturdays at Richer Sounds?
I will say that Richer Sounds isn't a bad job, as shop work goes, you couldn't ask for a better store to work in. But as I sold the Hi-fi components and DVD players, each time trying to persuade people that this one was better than that one (becuase it got me an extra pound - WOO-HOO!) my mind drifted back to last year and my old life at Merlin in the BBC control room.
Before I left, I'd done acting Senior Engineer duties a couple of times. I'd been sitting at the helm of a radio structure that could put a satellite signal to each major continent, and a shortwave radio signal to pretty much anywhere on earth (with multiple hops).
Now without wishing to overstate the point, theres no life on Mars. Or the moon, or Venus. Outside the solar system we really have no idea if theres millions of civilizations or if we're alone. Thats means that at the moment, planet Earth is it. Which basiclaly means, that in a specific set of circumstances, sitting in the big chair in the Control Room, I had the power to reach every intelligent creature in the known universe...
"No thats a fine choice of DVD player sir. Would you like a Scart lead with that?"
Shit.
***
I was depressed, and because I was depressed, I wasn't thinking straight. For all my reading of philosophy and pop psychology, when things went relatively crappy, I crashed and burned.
I say relatively happy because I was living at home with my mum and dad and my sister so my life wasn't bad, it just wasn't as good as it was. Which in my depressed state, added 'feeling ungrateful' to my list of woes.
Dad turned 50 in January and arranged a big trip to Ireland for us and all his friends. For his birthday itself, I only saw him in the morning as Richer Sounds offered me the chance to go up to York. New colleauges go on Julian Richer's 'Virgin Seminar' in an annex of his mansion, where we all learnt the 'Richer Way' and how to be good salespeople. It was a three day course that was really good and taught me a lot about selling and marketing which I never knew before. As well allowing me to make some new friends over the free beer and wine and entertainment stuff. Its just a shame it fell on Dad's birthday.
Ireland started off pretty good, it was good to be going somewhere with Paul and Craig again. This is by the sea in the little town of Crosshaven near Cork where we were staying.
Dad was having the time of his life, he'd been a few times before, mostly to Ford Cork Week where the idea is pretty similar to that of this weekend... get plastered!
The first day when we were in Buckleys I pulled off my best break ever, two spots and two stripes. I also had my first ever pint of Guiness! As I only started drinking beer a few months ago, this seemed like the perfect place to try one!
That night mum had arranged for Cronins, dad's favourite bar to be covered in pics of him through the years, and also Ninah (pronounced 9-ah), the owner bought him a cake and everyone sung happy birthday. It was a good night.
Next day we posed for photos at the harbour before visiting The old Cork Gaol and Blarney Castle. This is Me, Dad, Mum, Josie and Cliff (my aunt and uncle) Margaret (Dad's Cousin) and Barry (on the wall) and their two friends.
I'd been to the Gaol before but its still quite interesting. I posed for a pic with a couple of manaquins explaining the harsh realities of 19th Century imprisonment. I figured I'd pose and send it in to 'up-the-arse corner' in Viz.
Blarney Castle is a really great place to go especially when the weather's nice. The Blarney stone is actually at the top of Blarney Castle (just above that top window).
You climb to the top then the guy helps you lean back over the drop and you kiss the base of the stone for somehting like 'good luck and the eloquence of the Irish.' Its pretty cool as you lean out as all the blood rushes to you head just as you catch a glimpse of the 100ft drop below you.
We explored the grounds for a while and for a brief time, I felt like me again. Not the whinging navel gazing self I was becoming at home.
Later that night as we went for a drink before going for a meal. Something inside me clicked and I realised I'd be back at home tomorrow. How depressing. For a day or so things seemed to feel so good again. I think the thing when you're depressed is that you don't use the logical reasoning you'd use on days when everything is fine.
'I'm going home tomorrow', lead to 'I almost wish I hadn't come so I wouldn't feel this downward slide'. Now I'm gonna be depressed at Dad's party. I've done a shit job of his big 50th birthday, I was away for most of the actual day, I've got him a crap present cos I haven't got much money, I haven't got a very well paid job so I can expect more of this... and so on and so on. I was miseable all night. My dinner didn't settle well and neither would the booze when I tried to drink myself out of it.
I went home feeling low and a bit sick. Which turned into very sick as I realised i had some kind of viral stomach bug and I spent the whole night vomiting like that girl out of the exorcist. Did you know that after you've chucked up all the food your body can make a suprisingly large amount of greeny-yellowey stuff to keep you vomitting? It was nasty, I hardly slept a wink, and the Irish also have an annoying habit of not having any central heating, so being freezing cold didn't help.
The next day, Dad said it may have been the worst night of my life but it was probably the best of his which actually cheered me up.
***
Back in Romford, a few more weeks passed at Richer Sounds. I was told when I started it was policy to hold the commission back for a month, which wasn't a problem, until they said they held back the basic too. On my two days off I just drove around Romford feeling depressed at the grey skies and the fact that the only thing that had changed in the last year was me.
I'd started going into a coffee shop each week where my sister's mate Scott worked. He was planning on travelling soon and kept calling me his inspiration for doing it. I spoke to him just after I got my tickets through originally at a time when he was in two minds whether to do it or not. He was glowing. Some people claim to be able to see Auras around people, even I could see his was glowing like the sun. Like mine used to, with the excitement of being about to dump this ordinary life. I felt my own aura turn a darker grey and sink further into the concrete.
He'd give me free coffee and we'd talk about travelling and Skydiving and I'd always leave feeling cheered up as it wasn't hard to be carried along by his enthusisam.
He talked about moving to Spain for the summer with his dad too. He may work out there before heading off. Like a dying man reaching for a piece of driftwood, I jumped on it and said 'Can you get me a job out there?' He was leaving to go there probably around April time. We spoke about it on and off for another week or two until I said "I want to be there too." It was Februaury 11th. "Two months from now, lets be in a bar in Alicante toasting this moment. April 11th."
At work I'd told Ian I wasn't that happy there. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. It was as if my life before I left (saturday shop work, college, Merlin/BBC) added up to 2. My experiences in life last year counted for another 2.
Why then did I feel like I was going 2 + 2 = 0?
I was chatting to Emma one night on MSN, telling her how unhappy I was with everything, when she gave me the perfect bit of advice. I'd had a lot of advice from people but it was like all the Paul McKenna pop-psychology stuff I'd been reading. Its all good advice but it kind of helps you 'only sing when you're winning.' I apologise to everyone else I moaned at too. I really was down.
I told Emma about work and Spain and being unhappy and 2 + 2 and she said something which if it was in a film i'd dismiss as being overly sentimental, or a pointless line that's totally impractical in real life. She Said
"Follow your heart."
It was like a bolt from the blue.
Next day I handed in my week's notice at Richer Sounds. It was like I could breathe again. I could see clearly and I wasn't depressed any more. I stopped waking up each day and thinking. 'Shit.'
I felt like I was Wyle E Coyote and I'd chased off the edge of a cliff after Road Runner. When I came back over Christmas, when all was good, I carried on running on thin air. That Saturday and 'Lost in Translation' made me look down and I started falling, the career at Richer Sounds made me hit the ground. 'Poooooff' The day I quit was the day the dust settled.
About that time, Mark, one of my old work mates had his career break leaving do at Merlin. He was going off backpacking for 10 months. I saw all my old work-mates and realised maybe '4' isn't realistic. If I went back there I'd have 2 + 2 = 2 and a bit, thats good enough. I arranged an interview with Neale, my old boss, and he said they probably will need someone to cover while Mark's away. He said "call back in 2 weeks when I've clarified what exactly the job will entail."
It felt right. I'd come full circle. I wanted the job back that I was always happy with, and left in order to gain life experience. Which I did from the highs to the lows, from one side of the world to the other, which lead me to question exactly what is important in life. Now the dust had settled, it was time to get back to normal life.
The normal happy life I had before I left.
THE END.
(Thats sucks! I can't finish it like that! Click here for the Scooby Doo ending.)